When Everybody Does It Comes Back to Haunt You

Parental example, whether for good or for bad, is undoubtedly the most powerful influence on a child's moral and social development.

If we are to succeed at all in bringing up our children in the way we want them to grow up, we have to be mindful of this day and night.

Let's say you are taking your family on an outing to the local zoo. As you enter the gates and take out your purse to pay for admission, you notice a sign that says children under six go in free.

"Ah!" you think to yourself. "My youngest child turned six a few weeks ago, but I'll tell them she's still five and save a few pennies. It's only a tiny untruth, nobody will know the difference and the zoo company will certainly not go bankrupt because of it."

But one of your older sons, who is no fool, overhears your exchange with the attendant at the counter and quizzes you about it as you all pass through the turnstiles.

"Don't worry about it, son," you tell him reassuringly. "Everybody does it."

Then a year later, you're shocked when this same son is caught cheating in a school exam, or helping himself to an apple in the market when he thought the stall owner was looking the other way. You angrily demand to know how he could dare to bring such shame upon the entire family.

"But Dad," he protests. "Everybody does it."

Here's a remarkable true story that shows this principle working in the opposite direction - and demonstrates just how far the effects of one single action can reach:

A woman went to the supermarket with her children. After checking out, she found she had paid too much. The checkout clerk refused to refund her the difference, so she approached the store manager and explained the mistake. The manager was too busy to pay much attention to the woman's problem. However, he reached into his cash drawer and handed the woman a couple of bank notes, just to keep her quiet!

On the way home, the woman realized that she now had the opposite problem - the manager had given her too much money! But it was already late, she was tired and the children were very restless, so she just continued the journey home.

That night, the woman could not sleep. She could not stop thinking about the money in her purse that did not belong to her. Every day she drove her children to school, but that morning she especially left early and on the way stopped at the supermarket. In front of the children, she explained to the manager that he had refunded her too much money in error the previous day.

The manager shrugged his shoulders and looked surprised that a customer had come all the way back just to return a couple of small coins, but replaced the extra money in his cash drawer.

Months later, one of the woman's children was sitting at his desk at school, watching his teacher return a batch of test papers to the class.

It had been a difficult test, and the lad was thrilled to learn that he had received an "A+" grade. The teacher praised him for his perfect score, and then began to review the correct answers with the class.

As the teacher read out the answers, the boy realised he had actually made a mistake in the test but the teacher had not noticed it. For a long time, he debated with himself whether to inform the teacher or not.

In the end, his conscience triumphed. After class, he approached the teacher and pointed out the grading error. The teacher was so impressed with the boy's honesty that he let him keep the "A+" grade all the same!

When the boy told his mother the story at home that evening, he confessed that a mighty battle had raged inside him after he had become aware of the teacher's error. His pride as the recipient of such a high grade was so strong that he had almost decided in favour of keeping quiet about the mistake.

But then he remembered how a few months earlier his mother had refused to rest until she had returned a few paltry coins that she felt did not belong to her. From that moment, he said, the battle ended and his mind was made up.

Most parents (and teachers) do understand to some extent that the most effective way to implant moral values and good habits in children is by personal example.

The problem is that we sometimes demand certain desirable behaviours from our children that we personally have not yet mastered, or do not practise for whatever reason. The youngsters are quick to pick up what they see as hypocrisy, and this may lead to unfortunate consequences.

We may tell our children to eat nutritious meals, while we try to survive on junk food. We may urge them to be polite at all times and to be careful to greet everyone they meet courteously, yet when we pass our neighbours in the street, we are in such a hurry that we do not as much as glance at them.

We may deeply believe that anger is a very bad character trait, and admonish our children every day to control their tempers. Yet, after a long and hard day of housework or at the office when our nerves are near breaking point, we fly into a rage immediately when our children do something that displeases us. And if we think about it enough, we will be able to come up with many more examples.

One thing, however, we have to know, internalise and constantly remind ourselves. The formative years of early childhood are always, by nature, the most impressionable ones in the lives of your offspring.

The way we conduct ourselves in every situation makes an unmistakable subconscious impact on their minds. This impact is bound to remain with them for many, many years to come, whether they are consciously aware of it or not.

Azriel Winnett is creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.

In The News:

---

Examiner.com
Parenting Examiner
Examiner.com - 1 hour ago
Gayle Trent is a work-from-home wife and mother. Besides caring for her twelve-year-old boy/girl twins, she works as a freelance writer and author. ...
Video: Moms React To Palin Selection kcratv
The Blogosphere reacts to Palin's selection Anchorage Daily News (subscription)
all 6,191 news articles

Denver rules: A guide to parenting, the Democratic Convention way
Globe and Mail, Canada - 6 hours ago
"Kids," I said, in the gentle, wise, mentoring way that a parent should speak to a child. "I've been listening to the Democrats give speeches. ...

findingDulcinea
Parenting Gets a Boost With Online Nanny Program
findingDulcinea, New York - 38 minutes ago
by Lindsey Chapman A new Web site helps parents and kids make sure household chores are completed—minus the nagging. The Washington Post calls the Web site ...

Examiner.com
Parenting Examiner
Examiner.com - 1 hour ago
Gayle Trent is a work-from-home wife and mother. Besides caring for her twelve-year-old boy/girl twins, she works as a freelance writer and author. ...

Taming Hollywood trends
Edmonton Sun,  Canada - 4 hours ago
Parents need to discuss the message being sent by clothing choices and how clothing may be creating an incorrect message, says parenting expert Alyson ...

Waseca County News
Struggles of single parenting
Waseca County News, MN - 12 hours ago
Bjerklie’s parents, who live in Bjerklie’s hometown of Fergus Falls, Minn., have a tight-knit relationship with Hannah, and Bjerklie also has brothers who ...

What it takes to be a good parent in today’s culture
The Prairie Star, MT - 14 hours ago
Quality of parenting is declining. It is not just the environment but the quality of parenting that is causing the difficulty. The decline in society can be ...

Boston Globe
For mothers in prison, children can be key to rehabilitation, with ...
Boston Globe, United States - Aug 27, 2008
Although the report, "Parenting from Prison: Family Relationships of Incarcerated Women in Massachusetts," found that progress has been made in recent years ...

Farah Hospital hosts Jordan’s Pioneering Parenting Program
Al-Bawaba, Jordan - Aug 27, 2008
Farah Hospital, Jordan’s leading hospital specializing in fertility, recently hosted and for the second consecutive time Jordan’s leading parenting program ...

Take Back Your Family:
Globe and Mail, Canada - 4 hours ago
Yes, Take Back Your Family is just that - a how-to guide for today's parents. With chapters like "Run Your Family Like a Business," Run and his wife, ...

parenting - Google News